Medie Review of Patternist album "I Don't Know What I'm Doing Here"

   After releasing an EP in 2014 and 2016, Indie-Pop artist Patternist’s release of their first album I Don’t Know What I’m Doing Here (2019) shows off Gabe Mouer’s upbeat musical style paired with deeply introspective lyrics that capture the pain and nostalgia of growing up in a world so difficult to navigate. In a Genius Lyrics comment, Mouer explains that the album art is a “direct homage” to a paperback edition of J.D. Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye from the 1990s. Both works focus on the themes of loneliness and identity in the midst of growing up, which puts the works in interesting conversation with each other. According to an interview by Molly Hudelson of Substream Magazine, Mouer stated that “‘art is a way to connect us; it’s a way to save us from feeling lonely.’” The intention of this album was to share honest, personal work that might connect with people. On Spotify, the record’s streams have reached hundreds of thousands of listeners. Mouer’s wish that people would connect with the message of his vulnerable music has unarguably come true.

    The main themes are evident even in the titles of some of the tracks, including “Here’s One for the Kid in the Back…” “I Don’t Feel Real,” “How Am I Not Myself?” and “No One Waits for You.” The lyrics further push the ideas of lost identity, a lost grip on reality, and the struggle with nostalgia. From early in the record, the track “I Don’t Feel Real” discusses experiences with derealization, mental illness, addiction, and the toll this takes on personal relationships. This closely follows the track “Bikes,” which was written by weaving stories told by Mouer’s mother of how often they moved around when he was young as well as his own memories of childhood. The focus in this track is the realization that we cannot hold onto who we were in childhood and the pain of that realization, that nothing will feel the same again, that memories fade and our faces change with ourselves. This thread is evident in the lyrics throughout the track, but summed up nicely in the lines “Youth’s indiscretion of time spent alone / it’s all we had but our skin and our bones. / Look at the frame and how I’m getting old.” Mouer’s acknowledgement of the unavoidable nature of change and the passing of time sets the tone for the rest of the album as he continues to reminisce, reflect, and share his own struggle with these topics. 

    Later, the line “And again, I think I’m headed for a breakdown. This is my new routine I lead anyhow” from “No One Waits for You” highlights the more current battle of actually dealing with these truths. So late in the album, it’s clear to the listener that even after the time spent reflecting and searching, we often will not find answers to our questions. We may deal with doubt and pain, we may fight to regain the life we once had, but ultimately our identities are mutable and new routines will inevitably be formed. Sometimes, these routines are damaging, but it is more difficult to break them than to fall into them, causing a cycle of unrest and doubt, which connects to the sentiments earlier expressed in “I Don’t Feel Real.”

    The record is deeply narrative, with some of the tracks, especially in the first half of the album, focusing on memories and experiences of childhood, with the speaker narrating as if he were still a child or still in high school. The later tracks move back into the present as Mouer grapples with these reflections and the powerful emotions. He has changed, but the sentiments haven’t. He still struggles, he still doubts himself and his place in the world, only now he is not protected by youth. This narrative form allowed Mouer to be vulnerable with his experiences and writing, making each track feel equally raw. If not for this quality, the music would certainly not feel as relatable to listeners.

    The composition and production underscore and often highlight the lyrical themes of the record though they may seem to be in contradiction. Mouer utilizes lush synth, driving guitars, and melodic bass riffs to create upbeat songs that evoke warmth and joy and naturally encourage the body to dance. This, of course, in direct contradiction to the deep melancholy of the lyrics. The contradiction, however, is completely on brand for the message of the album. While the music is upbeat, the lyrics beg a deeper approach, causing the listener to ponder their own nostalgia and relate to Mouer’s own contradicting emotions regarding changing and growing up. While we struggle with our own identities and fears, it often doesn’t help to get hung up on the past, and nostalgia can cause pain despite its recollection of “happier times.” By employing these devices and being willing to write vulnerable lyrics with an accessible style of music, Patternist is able to share his music in order to connect with people all over the world who can sympathize and relate to these experiences and reflections.